“Thank you for reminding me what butterflies feel like”

Everything starts with a simple conversation. From “Hi”, “Hello” to “I miss you” and “I love you”. From strangers to friends, then from friends to lovers.

Funny how our love story started. Let’s have a little rewind. I can still remember that day when I was so bored and posting videos on IG story was my only consolation. During that time, someone messaged me, it was you who said “cutie”. Then I responded with a smiley and from there, we had a little conversation about my trip to Ajuy, about my vlogs, etc. Then you added me on facebook and I accepted your friend request. After a few days you messaged me again. I was kind enough to entertain you but at some point I got annoyed because you have so many cheesy pick up lines. I was confused why the hell on earth you’re saying those things to me. We barely even know each other. I’m highly skeptical so I bashed you with harsh words like “Fuckboy, Asshole, Chick boy”, etc. But then you said you’re not that type of guy, you were just there because you wanted to get to know me even better. Then I said at the back of my mind, “Wait! What? I don’t want to have a deeper connection with this stranger. I’m okay with our friendship online. But wait let me check him first.” So there I was, stalking your facebook profile then I discovered that we have a common friend and that is Alex. Out of curiousity, I messaged Alex to confirm if you two are friends then he responded positively. He said that you’re a good guy and I trusted Alex for saying that because he’s also a good friend of mine. So I apologized to you and from then on, we started to have a good conversation. From morning or afternoon chat to late night calls. Things run smoothly as we get to know each other day by day.

Few weeks later, you arrived here in Iloilo from Manila. After a few days, you asked me out on a date. Finally, we’re going to meet!

It was May 26, 2017. You said you were sitting in one of the benches at Atria Park. As I reached the place, I looked for you and I saw you right away. I sat beside you and greeted you with a handshake. I was nervous and sweaty during that time. As I laid my eyes on you, I said to myself “Oh, he’s cute in person!” I was day dreaming for about 10 seconds then reality came in when I realized I got too excited that I didn’t even went to the restroom first before meeting you. I should have combed my hair, wiped my sweaty face and retouched my make up. I was a bit down because I think all my preparations were put to waste. Just so you know, few hours before our meeting, I put some alove vera gel on my face to make sure that I’ll look glowing and I even placed some cold tea bags under my eyes to reduce its puffiness. Funny, right? Hahaha. I made those preparations to create a good impression but then I guess I failed your expectations by arriving late, sweaty and ugly. Hahahaha.

Anyway, enough with my mishaps. Good thing, the rest of the night turned out well. I enjoyed the dinner and our conversation. Of course I wouldn’t forget that night not just because it was our first date but because it was also the night when you asked to court me. How can so many beautiful and happy things happen in one night? Like meeting you, talking to you, you courting me, you holding my hands? Wow! For me, the whole thing was completely surreal.

Time has passed. Things were just slowly falling into places until one day I told you, “I’m going to tell you 3 words better than I love you.” Then you asked me what it is. I responded with a smile on my face, “It’s a yes!”. I know you were surprised and happy at the same time. I said yes, but let me tell you the reason why. It’s because I have watched a video about courtship and relationship. The speaker said, “To know if the guy is okay is to say yes already. You should keep the relationship long, not the courtship period.” So I took the speaker’s advice. Then you would probably ask by now, “Oh, so you said yes just because of that video? Not because you love me?”. Well actually, yes. But wait! Don’t get upset while reading this because you know what? That day served as the start of a decision to love, a decision to make you a part of me, a decision to commit myself to you, a decision to always be there for you. And I strongly believe that love is something that grows from our decisions and actions.

My feelings for you grow stronger everyday. I always ask you serious questions but when it’s your turn to ask me the same, I couldn’t compose an answer. It’s not because I am not sure of what I’m going to say, It’s because I am saving my words for this moment. Remember when you asked me why do I love you? I am now ready to let you know.

Babe, I love you because you’re simply you. I love you because you made it so easy for me to trust you. I love you because you have a huge and honest heart. I love you because you made me smile when I almost forgotten how to. I love you because you still find me worthy despite of all my cracks and flaws.

I have loved and lost and it feels like all the butterflies just died but you brought them back to life. I love you and thank you for reminding me again what butterflies feel like.


It was words that I fell for. In the end, it was words that broke my heart.

~Lang Leav

Moving On

Heartbreak is mostly the reason why people wanted to move on. For the past few months, I’ve been struggling on how to put back the broken pieces of my heart. Yes, someone I dearly love just broke my heart.

How painful was that? Of course it was very painful. The kind of pain that never lets you sleep at night. The kind of pain that can make you drown in your own tears. The kind of pain that can make you lose your mind. The kind of pain that can never be cured by any medicine.

I was emotionally unstable. People usually say I’m a strong person. But hey, that’s not true. That’s only for show. That’s what I chose to show. Deep inside I’m weeping, screaming, and dying.

I usually spend my night contemplating on what, where, when, why and how did it happen. Things seem so unclear. I couldn’t find the answers to my questions.

At day time I’m happy, at night time I’m sad. At day time I laugh, at night time I cry. At day time I look at the computer and do my work, at night time I look at my phone and watch his pictures.

Months, weeks, days, hours, minutes and seconds of sadness has finally ended. How? Well, if you have God nothing is impossible. So for the past few months, I always go to church, I seek help, guidance and forgiveness to the Lord. Let’s face the fact that most of us usually forget God if everything’s okay, but if not, that is the time that we remember Him. So yeah, this is what they call “Balik-loob sa Panginoon”.

I was so down but I know that God alone can heal me, can give me peace and can give me happiness. As I walk with Him, day by day I see all the good things that I can do to help me heal and move on.

I tried to be on my own. I go to the mall, eat alone, etc. Those are just examples of the things which I am afraid of – being alone. But then I realized that it’s not that bad at all. I may be alone but I am not lonely. I know that God is with me.

Things are getting better when I started to discover a lot of things about myself. I noticed that I’m very comfortable in front of the camera so I always make videos of myself. Since I love to travel, I started making travel videos.

I used to watch Patrice Averilla’s vlogs on youtube. She’s really nice and fun to watch. I got inspired to make my own vlogs so I created a youtube channel. Please search for my name, RJ Badilles and click that subscribe button. 😂

I love writing because it is where I could express myself. So I created this blog. I started to do some creative things wherein I could put all my time and effort. I created something which I know that would last a lifetime.

So the bottom line here is, everything happens for a reason and life must go on. We have to stand up after we fall. It’s okay to be alone, to be sad. Just cry your heart out because pain demands to be felt. But when you’re done, you’ll realized that there’s more to life than just how you feel.

We all go through that stage. You can’t change what has already happened but once you realized you deserve better, letting go will be the best decision ever. Just get up and start finding yourself. Be a better version of yourself. Turn your weakness into strength. Conquer your fears. Go out with your friends, watch movies, travel, find new hobbies, meet new people and most importantly, bring yourself closer to God.

Accept what is, let go of what was and have faith in what will be. Just live, learn and upgrade.

To My Next One

Hello there! I’ve been through a lot of pain, heartaches, and sleepless nights. I just want you to know that I don’t want to experience that anymore. Love is a risk, an investment and a gamble. Been there, done that. What happened? I lost. But I know that I did everything I could in order to fight, in order to win. This time I really want to win, for real.

Will you be there with me in our journey to victory? If yes, I want you to pray. Pray that someday God will lead you to me. Whoever you are, I’m praying for you also. I’m praying that someday I’m gonna meet you and we’re gonna be happy.

But things won’t be easy because of my experiences, the doubt remains and the fear lingers. I’m afraid, really afraid that I might screw this up once again. That I might love the wrong person again. That all of my efforts will put to waste once again. I want you to turn my doubts into trust, fears into happiness, and hate into love.

Be persistent and consistent. If you care for me, show it. If you love me, show it. Never stop showing it.

Be honest. The foundation of trust begins at being honest. Please never tell a lie because I really hate liars.

Be faithful. I know there are lots of girls out there. Never get tempted. Know that I am better than them.

Take risks and sacrifices. Love is not always rainbows and butterflies. Love takes a lot of hardwork.

Be patient. Wait for me because I’m not yet ready. Something worth having is worth waiting for. Always put that in mind.

Make efforts. For me, you don’t really need to put up a grand surprise. I’m fine with the simplest things in life.

Take me on a date. At day, at noon or at night. In the street, in the beach, or in a fancy restaurant. It’s up to you for as long as we’re together.

Surprise me. Surprise me in anyway. It will surely make my heart happy.

Make time. We are now living in a fast paced world where time is really constrained. We might not know if when are we gonna die. That’s why everyday we have to live life to the fullest.

Communicate. Relationship grows stronger if both of us can communicate well to each other. Never be afraid to express your thoughts. Send me goodmorning and goodnight texts. Or you can even give me a call. That would be sweet.

Be sincere. Many can say “I love you” but not all of them can prove it’s true. Say what you wanna say, then prove it at the same time.

Be the very best version of yourself, and I will be the very best girl you could ever have.

I will be your teacher – To teach you what’s right and what’s wrong. To teach you that we have to put God at the center of our relationship. Because if we have God, no relationship will fail.

I will be your nurse/doctor – To take care of you if you’re not feeling well. To give you your daily dose of hugs and kisses.

I will be your architect/engineer – To design and plan a good future for us. To establish a strong relationship and to build our own family someday.

I will be your accountant – To manage our finances and to help you carry and balance every problems that might come along the way. Remember that you can always count on me.

I will be your call center agent – To listen and attend to your needs. To be always there for you if you need me. I’m just a call away.

I will be your driver – To be with you wherever you go. To take you to places you’ve never been. To lead you to the right direction.

I will be your chef/baker – To cook good foods and to bake sweet treats for you. I will learn how to cook so I can make you full, not just with love but with foods also.

I will be your superwoman – To save you from distress. To do whatever it takes to make you happy. To do wonderful and extraordinary things just to show my love to you.

I will be your everything. You will be my everything. Both of us will be each other’s everything. I just want to be completely happy. The kind of happiness which I’ve never felt before. The kind of love which I never felt before. The kind of security and assurance which I’ve never felt before.

I don’t want to look at anyone’s eyes.

I don’t want to kiss anyone’s lips.

I don’t want to hold anyone’s hands.

I don’t want to be with someone else’s arms.

I don’t want to build dreams with anyone who’s not gonna stay.

I don’t want to make promises with anyone who’s not sincere.

I don’t want to be with the wrong guy anymore.

I don’t want to cry at the corner of my room.

I don’t want to soak my pillows in tears.

I don’t want to be sad.

I don’t want to be in pain.

I want to be happy.

Will you be with me? I want you not just to be my next but to be my last.

An Open Letter of Forgiveness

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As defined by wikipedia, forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feeling and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.

The question is, “Is it easy to forgive”?

For me, it’s not. Especially if the person you love hurts you even if he promised not to do so. Lying, cheating, everything bad is unforgivable.

But my perception changed when I was able to attend a Life in the Spirit Seminar last May 6-7, 2017. My neighbor/godparent invited me to attend. So I went with her because I wanted to bring myself closer to God. At the last day of our seminar, we did this so called “baptism of the holy spirit” wherein we were asked to sit properly, close our eyes, pray, raise our hands to praise God and let the holy spirit enter us. As I closed my eyes, I prayed with all my heart. Tears were overflowing from my eyes as I cast all my burdens to God. I raised my hands then I saw a vision. It was very dark but I can see God. He’s glowing, He’s wearing white, He’s walking towards me. I said, “God I love you, I need you. You are my savior. You are my everything. Please help me forgive the person who caused me so much pain. Help me forgive the person who is the reason of my tears and my sleepless nights. I love you, God. Please hold my hands”. Suddenly my hands were trembling. Feels like a bolt of electricity was running through my veins. My arms and my hands felt so heavy. Then I saw God in front of me, kneeling while laying His hands on my lap. He didn’t say anything but I guess it’s His way of saying He has forgiven me, that He loves me, that He will heal me. Then the heaviness in my hands and arms slowly fade away. The hefty wrath was no longer inside my heart. It is God who took it away. I felt happy and light after that session. From that moment, I decided to bury the hatchet with people whom I had conflicts with in the past. Forgiveness comes easy if we ask God to help us forgive ourselves and other people.

Jun, if you’re reading this. I just want you to know that I have forgiven you. Despite your mistakes, I still want to thank you. I know that you’re a good person. We, as human beings tend to do bad things due to some circumstances. For more than 4 years, we’ve been through so many ups and downs. You were there and I was there with you also.

Thank you for loving me even if I’m not a beautiful girl back then. Thank you for picking me up when I was down. Thank you for understanding me even if I get angry with you when I am on my period. Thank you for throwing random surprises. Thank you for taking me on a date. Thank you for making me feel so special. Thank you for coming into my life.

Thank you for your eyes because your eyes were able to see the real beauty and goodness in me. The eyes that were able to express thousands of emotions. Thank you for your nose for it was able to like my natural scent. The nose which I used to adore because of its perfect shape and it made you look even more handsome. Thank you for your ears because your ears were always ready to listen to my problems, rants and my distress. The ears which I used to whisper “I love you”. Thank you for your lips for it was able to say good and sweet things to me. The lips that gave me slow, passionate and torrid kisses. Thank you for your hands because your hands were able to protect and help me at all times. The hands that used to hold mine tightly. Thank you for your shoulders for it was able to give me comfort. The shoulders which I used to cry and lean on. Thank you for your arms because your arms were able to protect me from harm and cold weather. The arms that used to hug me oh so tight. Thank you for your feet for it was able to take me to places. The feet that can endure long but sweet walks. Thank you for showing me how it is to love, to give chances and to take risks.

Words won’t be enough to let you know how thankful I am to you. Words won’t be enough to express how much I love you and how much you mean to me. Looking back, it’s just funny knowing that we already have names for our future children, plans where to lived, places to go and things to do. But it didn’t turn out the way we wanted it to be. It simply reminds us that only God has the ultimate control in everything. I know breaking up was hard, painful and stressful. I had to go through the most afflicted chapter of my life. But now that I have God, I can see that everything happens for a reason and things are slowly falling to its places.

Ed Sheeran said to his song, “Baby you look happier, you do. My friends told me one day I’ll feel it too. But until then I’ll smile and hide the truth. But I know I was happier with you”. Truth be told. Yes, I was happier with you. But don’t worry, I am grateful with what’s left with me and I look forward to what is coming. Therefore I want you to be happy also even if that happiness no longer includes me. Moving on is not a ride away. We have to cross oceans, desserts and even mountains to be able to find ourselves again.

So moving forward, if ever our paths should cross again, I’ll smile at you without any hesitation. No more grudges. No more madness.

Someday. Yes, someday. We will live happily ever after. Separately.