An Open Letter of Forgiveness

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As defined by wikipedia, forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feeling and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.

The question is, “Is it easy to forgive”?

For me, it’s not. Especially if the person you love hurts you even if he promised not to do so. Lying, cheating, everything bad is unforgivable.

But my perception changed when I was able to attend a Life in the Spirit Seminar last May 6-7, 2017. My neighbor/godparent invited me to attend. So I went with her because I wanted to bring myself closer to God. At the last day of our seminar, we did this so called “baptism of the holy spirit” wherein we were asked to sit properly, close our eyes, pray, raise our hands to praise God and let the holy spirit enter us. As I closed my eyes, I prayed with all my heart. Tears were overflowing from my eyes as I cast all my burdens to God. I raised my hands then I saw a vision. It was very dark but I can see God. He’s glowing, He’s wearing white, He’s walking towards me. I said, “God I love you, I need you. You are my savior. You are my everything. Please help me forgive the person who caused me so much pain. Help me forgive the person who is the reason of my tears and my sleepless nights. I love you, God. Please hold my hands”. Suddenly my hands were trembling. Feels like a bolt of electricity was running through my veins. My arms and my hands felt so heavy. Then I saw God in front of me, kneeling while laying His hands on my lap. He didn’t say anything but I guess it’s His way of saying He has forgiven me, that He loves me, that He will heal me. Then the heaviness in my hands and arms slowly fade away. The hefty wrath was no longer inside my heart. It is God who took it away. I felt happy and light after that session. From that moment, I decided to bury the hatchet with people whom I had conflicts with in the past. Forgiveness comes easy if we ask God to help us forgive ourselves and other people.

Jun, if you’re reading this. I just want you to know that I have forgiven you. Despite your mistakes, I still want to thank you. I know that you’re a good person. We, as human beings tend to do bad things due to some circumstances. For more than 4 years, we’ve been through so many ups and downs. You were there and I was there with you also.

Thank you for loving me even if I’m not a beautiful girl back then. Thank you for picking me up when I was down. Thank you for understanding me even if I get angry with you when I am on my period. Thank you for throwing random surprises. Thank you for taking me on a date. Thank you for making me feel so special. Thank you for coming into my life.

Thank you for your eyes because your eyes were able to see the real beauty and goodness in me. The eyes that were able to express thousands of emotions. Thank you for your nose for it was able to like my natural scent. The nose which I used to adore because of its perfect shape and it made you look even more handsome. Thank you for your ears because your ears were always ready to listen to my problems, rants and my distress. The ears which I used to whisper “I love you”. Thank you for your lips for it was able to say good and sweet things to me. The lips that gave me slow, passionate and torrid kisses. Thank you for your hands because your hands were able to protect and help me at all times. The hands that used to hold mine tightly. Thank you for your shoulders for it was able to give me comfort. The shoulders which I used to cry and lean on. Thank you for your arms because your arms were able to protect me from harm and cold weather. The arms that used to hug me oh so tight. Thank you for your feet for it was able to take me to places. The feet that can endure long but sweet walks. Thank you for showing me how it is to love, to give chances and to take risks.

Words won’t be enough to let you know how thankful I am to you. Words won’t be enough to express how much I love you and how much you mean to me. Looking back, it’s just funny knowing that we already have names for our future children, plans where to lived, places to go and things to do. But it didn’t turn out the way we wanted it to be. It simply reminds us that only God has the ultimate control in everything. I know breaking up was hard, painful and stressful. I had to go through the most afflicted chapter of my life. But now that I have God, I can see that everything happens for a reason and things are slowly falling to its places.

Ed Sheeran said to his song, “Baby you look happier, you do. My friends told me one day I’ll feel it too. But until then I’ll smile and hide the truth. But I know I was happier with you”. Truth be told. Yes, I was happier with you. But don’t worry, I am grateful with what’s left with me and I look forward to what is coming. Therefore I want you to be happy also even if that happiness no longer includes me. Moving on is not a ride away. We have to cross oceans, desserts and even mountains to be able to find ourselves again.

So moving forward, if ever our paths should cross again, I’ll smile at you without any hesitation. No more grudges. No more madness.

Someday. Yes, someday. We will live happily ever after. Separately.

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